Spring is here, and everyone is talking about the famous spring cleaning. They talk about how are they are going to clean their homes, their closets, but myself, the only thing I think I need is to clean my mind.
A month ago, I experimented something that I wasn’t sure what it was, until I read this article on https://www.thisisbrave.org about Keisha’s story: Postpartum Anxiety ( PPA).
At the beginning, I didn’t think it was that, as my baby is already 11 months old and I always thought this type of things happened right after having your baby, but then the more I read the more I was feeling identified.
Everything started one day..while I was trying to be a superwoman and multi-task doing my full-time job and being a stay home mom.
Mia was miss behaving so I gave her time off. I was with my baby watching tv so it was time for me to go and check on Mia, so when I put Matias on the bed, he started crying so bad because he wanted to be hold, that he held his breath too long, and I was on the other room talking to Mia, but my mom’s brain was listening to him on the back and I didn’t listen to his cry so I panic, ran into the room and he was turning blue.
I took him, blow on his face and he finally breathe. I cannot describe exactly how did I feel in that moment, the only thing I know is that I was terrified, shaking, feeling alone, feeling like a failure, desperate, and many things more.I calm him down, I try to calm down myself but after that moment.. everything change.
I was/am like a slave! Every time he cries, I panic. And not only that, but I became obsessed that something is going to happen to them. If Matias would be playing with my purse, all of these horrible disturbing thoughts of possible scenes of what can happen to him come to my mind. If Mia is sick, I think she is turning blue and I tell my husband to look at her skin, and I cannot stop checking on her over and over.
I can’t just quiet my mind, it is like a battle, to the point that I feel out of breath, I get panic attacks. There are not the normal mama thoughts tho, the ones that when you read something on the internet and then you are like.. oh maybe my baby has that.. This is something more deep.. something I’ve never had before.
I remember that day, I went to the garage before going to pick up my husband, and I had these thoughts that I wanted to leave, to be far from my kids because I was scared that something would happen to them.
I get stress and very anxious about everything and anything. There thousands of questions at the same time in my mind.. Why is Mia crying? Is she happy? Should we move to Mexico? Maybe is the daycare? Maybe are the teachers? And on and on and on.
I get super stress if the house gets dirty because I’m afraid Matias would put something in his mouth, and at the same time I’m stress because I can’t just maintain the house clean with the 2 kids and no help.
If you follow me on Instagram, you know I went to this trip to Mexico with my Family, and I have to say, that it helped me a LOT! I have fewer panic attacks, but again, is a daily battle. When is going to end? I don’t know. But what I do know for sure, is that my Spring cleaning is going to be a focus on my mind.
For more information: https://www.parents.com/parenting/moms/healthy-mom/the-other-postpartum-problem-anxiety/
Xo,
Athenas
